The Standup Analyst
By Eric Sherman, LCSW
Press One for Aggravation, Press Two for Denials
Automated system: Thank you for calling Horizon Blue Dross/Blue Squeal. Your call is important to us, which is why you will be repeatedly put on hold and then disconnected. Let's get started. Please choose from the following options:
If you are a member, press or say "one." If you are a provider, press two or say "good luck getting this resolved in less than an hour."
I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Did you say 37?
I said two. Two!
Did you say 22?
I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Thank You for Calling Horizon Blue Dross/Blue Squeal. Your call is important...
For God's sake, can I just speak to a human being!
Yell all you want. I'm a voice automated system, I'm trained to ignore you in a calm, pleasant voice. If you are a medical provider, press or say one. Dentist, two. Pharmacist, nine. Mental health provider, also press or say nine; you will need a pharmacist by the time you're done with this call anyway.
For claims, press or say one. For incorrect benefit information, two. For authorizations, call Machiavellian Behavioral Health at 1-800-666-6666. You will be asked to provide sensitive patient information in a way that breaks the law, ignores ethical standards, and violates patient confidentiality.
I'll need a little more information so I can get you to the right person. Please enter the dates of service, the patient's name, ID number, date of birth, address, name of childhood pet and favorite color. Please note that none of this information will be passed along to the representative, who will ask you the same exact questions again.
Please enter your Social Security number and NPI number. Please be assured that at Blue Dross, assuring the safety of confidential information is job one. Well, making a profit is job one. Assuring confidentiality is job two. Well, finding loopholes in federal regulations is job two, but keeping your information private is right up there.
(Enters information. Winces at the beginning of tendinitis from overuse of index finger.)
vPlease hold while I check this claim. (Long silence.) I'm sorry. I don't have any claims on file for this patient, even though you have submitted them three times now. I'll transfer you to a representative, but first, is there anything else I cannot help you with?
Did you say yes?
I'm sorry, I did not understand your response, so I will randomly end this call. You can check information about this claim any time on our website, www.goodluckwiththat.com. If you would like to take a brief survey about your experience with this call, press one. We value your feedback, and will promptly ignore it. Thank you for calling Blue Dross/Blue Squeal. (Click.)